I need to clear some things up

I know in some of my posts I've written about how much hate I currently feel toward her and because of her. The truth is, I'm not mad at her. I'm still in love with her. I still want to find a way to have her in my life. And I know she'll probably never read this, but I'm sorry for everything I've said. All the abuse I put you through. You never deserved any of it. I'll always Love you and I'll always need you.

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A few weeks and i haven't written

This was originally supposed to be a daily or at least every few days thing. But lately I've been putting things off more and more. I hand wrote one down earlier this week but I'll probably not post it here. Besides, no one reads this anyways. But I'll update on things I said were going to happen last time. I didn't go out with Emma and Michael. So I still haven't. And I can't. She was too important to me. 35 days until the wedding. I think I want to be nice and offer to drive her up there. Mandi and pretty much everyone else thinks that's a terrible idea. And maybe it is. But it's still what I feel I *should* do. I don't think either of us get plus ones but if we do for some reason. And even less likely she brings a guy with her, I don't know what I'll do. There's no way I would ever even imagine bringing someone. Even if there was someone I would bring. I've had maybe one to two decent nights of sleep in the past month. Every nigh...

"you think you're tired now, try having kids"

I miss her. I miss us. Tonight is 6 months since we lost our child. I think that was the start of us falling apart. It's what really pushed me down. She's going to be a great mom some day. I hope she knows that. I'm still madly in love with her, but seven words will never be enough to make the burn subside. It's one week until I see her again. And the panic attacks just get more and more frequent. I hope she knows how much I need her in my life. I hope she even cares.

May 2 2019 Victoria Indianapolis

On a foggy night such as this, I fail to see a single star. I try and try, but none are there. My mind wants to trick me, But I know it lies. For there are no stars above me. On these dark nights, darker than the others, I always feel so alone. I need to get over you. I need to get by this. But I still love you. I know I shouldn't. For there are no stars above me. I'm told "you can do it" "forget her" Yet I think about you almost constantly All that you were is all I'll ever need. But that can't matter anymore. Because you don't love me anymore. For there are no stars above me. Six months ago, I last saw you. I wish I could say I'm okay But my life is as clear as this night sky. I felt it from you. I know it's real. Yet I know you'll never be here again. For there are no stars above me.

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