A few weeks and i haven't written

This was originally supposed to be a daily or at least every few days thing. But lately I've been putting things off more and more. I hand wrote one down earlier this week but I'll probably not post it here. Besides, no one reads this anyways. But I'll update on things I said were going to happen last time. I didn't go out with Emma and Michael. So I still haven't. And I can't. She was too important to me.

35 days until the wedding. I think I want to be nice and offer to drive her up there. Mandi and pretty much everyone else thinks that's a terrible idea. And maybe it is. But it's still what I feel I *should* do. I don't think either of us get plus ones but if we do for some reason. And even less likely she brings a guy with her, I don't know what I'll do. There's no way I would ever even imagine bringing someone. Even if there was someone I would bring.

I've had maybe one to two decent nights of sleep in the past month. Every night is a new nightmare about her. Even though I'm trying to convince myself that this is better for me. That she doesn't fit my puzzle. I flash back to all the good times we had. Getting Flora, watching Riverdale, going to the zoo, food truck festivals, the mini, the Miike Snow concert. And that's just things from the past year. Yeah, there was a lot of bad times too. This was the year of my mental breakdown. I think she's going to be better off without me in the long run. I don't think I affected her puzzle that much. But mine is being built from scratch basically.

I keep trying to convince myself that I can not love her anymore. But I can't. I still need her. I can't have her in my life but I need her. She was my everything. And now I'm nothing.  I want to tell her to go to hell. I want to believe that. But I can't. I still dream of her perfect house with our perfect kids and perfect animals. And she'll probably have that. Just not with me.

In 36 days she'll probably never see me again. She'll probably just consider me her worst mistake. I hope she knows I'm dying inside. I don't even want to leave my room anymore.

I can't find anything that brings me joy currently. Loving her was the last thing I felt good at.

I've never felt more alone.

Labor day weekend, she went to Disney, I couldn't even get myself to go two miles down the road. She's going to move on well before I do. If not for the basic reason that she has much easier time talking to people. And she sees way more people than I do.

I'm broken. I have no future. I don't know what to do.

She was the last remaining fixture of my childhood. I hate that I just want her happy. I hate that I know she'll never be happy with me. I hate that I'll never be happy with me. And until I can learn to love myself and live with myself, I can't ever hope to move on. I don't feel joy anymore. Hell I barely feel anything anymore.

There's no one I can turn to quickly. I don't even have an emergency contact anymore. My emergency contact is a fake name and my work phone number. I figured I shouldn't keep Traci as it.  Maybe I'll find a way through all this.

But probably not. Life is going to be rough for me for the next few years. My puzzle is empty.

Family corner is gone. Friends corner is sparse. Hobbies and interests corner got shattered by her. Job corner is in a bad state because I'm only here because she wanted me here.

And then we get to the center of my puzzle. It was her. It was Flora. But now I have neither of those. And unfortunately having her as my center piece made everything else not fit.

She wanted new building onto her puzzle to make our puzzle. Making me lose who I am. I don't even know who I am anymore.