Average at Best

I miss her. I miss us. Tonight is 6 months since we lost our child. I think that was the start of us falling apart. It's what really pushed me down. She's going to be a great mom some day. I hope she knows that. I'm still madly in love with her, but seven words will never be enough to make the burn subside. It's one week until I see her again. And the panic attacks just get more and more frequent. I hope she knows how much I need her in my life. I hope she even cares.

I refuse to go back there. My sister and her wife are about to have their child. Luca William. So naturally they put us in the waiting room. I thought setting my family would be the hardest part of tonight. I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm having to relive the worst day off my life. Worse than my suicide attempts. Just barely worse than knowing I lost her. If it weren't for that day, the rest of it may not have happened. When I found out that we were going to have to lose the child, even though it had been just a few days since we found it about it, I tried to act strong. Act stoic. Act like it wasn't that big of a deal to me. It was easy since I'm fucking terrified of being a father. But I felt like I lost her that day. I refuse to go back to the room where I found out my future was no more certain than I am right now that the only person I want to read this actually will. I think that kick started my desire to not be alive. Knowing I couldn't help the

I know in some of my posts I've written about how much hate I currently feel toward her and because of her.  The truth is, I'm not mad at her. I'm still in love with her. I still want to find a way to have her in my life. And I know she'll probably never read this, but I'm sorry for everything I've said. All the abuse I put you through. You never deserved any of it. I'll always Love you and I'll always need you.

Once again it's 1 am the night before I have to go into work at 630. When is the last time I slept? Tuesday. Why can't I sleep? Because I can't keep dreaming of her. I've found a way to make them better, at least for the majority of the dream. But it's not a good method. But I guess it works. Who'd have guessed a 2.7 oz of an alloy of gold and iron would be able to cause me to be able to stop the panic. Even if it's only while I'm asleep/ I have two weeks until I see her. I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified. My thoughts keep eating me alive. I need to stop the panic. On a positive side, I've finally heard back from Neil and Reid too. Which is nice. I won't have to be alone at the wedding. Tonight, I am suicidal. That's not a big surprise. I get this way every once in a while. I have written my death letter more times than I can count. I keep deleting it instead of sending it or leaving it for someone because I don't want to ma