Average at Best

I miss her. I miss us. Tonight is 6 months since we lost our child. I think that was the start of us falling apart. It's what really pushed me down. She's going to be a great mom some day. I hope she knows that. I'm still madly in love with her, but seven words will never be enough to make the burn subside. It's one week until I see her again. And the panic attacks just get more and more frequent. I hope she knows how much I need her in my life. I hope she even cares.

I refuse to go back there. My sister and her wife are about to have their child. Luca William. So naturally they put us in the waiting room. I thought setting my family would be the hardest part of tonight. I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm having to relive the worst day off my life. Worse than my suicide attempts. Just barely worse than knowing I lost her. If it weren't for that day, the rest of it may not have happened. When I found out that we were going to have to lose the child, even though it had been just a few days since we found it about it, I tried to act strong. Act stoic. Act like it wasn't that big of a deal to me. It was easy since I'm fucking terrified of being a father. But I felt like I lost her that day. I refuse to go back to the room where I found out my future was no more certain than I am right now that the only person I want to read this actually will. I think that kick started my desire to not be alive. Knowing I couldn't help the

I know in some of my posts I've written about how much hate I currently feel toward her and because of her.  The truth is, I'm not mad at her. I'm still in love with her. I still want to find a way to have her in my life. And I know she'll probably never read this, but I'm sorry for everything I've said. All the abuse I put you through. You never deserved any of it. I'll always Love you and I'll always need you.

Once again it's 1 am the night before I have to go into work at 630. When is the last time I slept? Tuesday. Why can't I sleep? Because I can't keep dreaming of her. I've found a way to make them better, at least for the majority of the dream. But it's not a good method. But I guess it works. Who'd have guessed a 2.7 oz of an alloy of gold and iron would be able to cause me to be able to stop the panic. Even if it's only while I'm asleep/ I have two weeks until I see her. I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified. My thoughts keep eating me alive. I need to stop the panic. On a positive side, I've finally heard back from Neil and Reid too. Which is nice. I won't have to be alone at the wedding. Tonight, I am suicidal. That's not a big surprise. I get this way every once in a while. I have written my death letter more times than I can count. I keep deleting it instead of sending it or leaving it for someone because I don't want to ma

I can't live like I am. I'm having a race to see what kills me first. Me on purpose or me on accident.  I'm hallucinating things because I can't sleep. I go literal days without talking to anyone. I haven't heard from Neil in over a month, Josh and I talk about once or twice a week, the last time before yesterday was Tuesday. And he's the last person I have talked to, outside of work and last Friday with Emma and the boys, in at least three weeks. I could die and no one would even know. I wonder if I should send her these letters I've written her. She's the reason I can't listen to the same songs that I used to. I bet I don't even run through her mind. I have to give up on her but it'll always hurt knowing she won't be alone.  I wonder if the thought of me ever keeps her up at night. It's been a lonely two months. I know I'm living in the city because there's no more stars above me. I have to remember to forget her. I won&#

Time for my biweekly blog, because apparently my need to get thoughts out in this form happens once every other week. I hope she's happy. Jed told me she's on tinder now. I hope that means she's trying to move on. I can't. But that's okay. I don't need to. As for the whole asking her if she wants to ride up to the wedding, I don't know if I can do that. I have panic attacks just thinking about her. Tomorrow, after work, I'll probably checking myself into Esk. I know it's probably a bad idea. But if I don't, I don't think I'll make it through the week. She's going to start going on dates soon, if she hasn't already. She's going to start being with people. People that aren't me. She's going to eventually forget all about me. Maybe she already has. I try to stay awake as long as I can because any time I sleep I dream of her. And it's never a good dream. Last Friday I went out for the first time. With Jed, Matt, an