Average at Best

I can't live like I am. I'm having a race to see what kills me first. Me on purpose or me on accident.  I'm hallucinating things because I can't sleep. I go literal days without talking to anyone. I haven't heard from Neil in over a month, Josh and I talk about once or twice a week, the last time before yesterday was Tuesday. And he's the last person I have talked to, outside of work and last Friday with Emma and the boys, in at least three weeks. I could die and no one would even know. I wonder if I should send her these letters I've written her. She's the reason I can't listen to the same songs that I used to. I bet I don't even run through her mind. I have to give up on her but it'll always hurt knowing she won't be alone.  I wonder if the thought of me ever keeps her up at night. It's been a lonely two months. I know I'm living in the city because there's no more stars above me. I have to remember to forget her. I won&#

Time for my biweekly blog, because apparently my need to get thoughts out in this form happens once every other week. I hope she's happy. Jed told me she's on tinder now. I hope that means she's trying to move on. I can't. But that's okay. I don't need to. As for the whole asking her if she wants to ride up to the wedding, I don't know if I can do that. I have panic attacks just thinking about her. Tomorrow, after work, I'll probably checking myself into Esk. I know it's probably a bad idea. But if I don't, I don't think I'll make it through the week. She's going to start going on dates soon, if she hasn't already. She's going to start being with people. People that aren't me. She's going to eventually forget all about me. Maybe she already has. I try to stay awake as long as I can because any time I sleep I dream of her. And it's never a good dream. Last Friday I went out for the first time. With Jed, Matt, an

This was originally supposed to be a daily or at least every few days thing. But lately I've been putting things off more and more. I hand wrote one down earlier this week but I'll probably not post it here. Besides, no one reads this anyways. But I'll update on things I said were going to happen last time. I didn't go out with Emma and Michael. So I still haven't. And I can't. She was too important to me. 35 days until the wedding. I think I want to be nice and offer to drive her up there. Mandi and pretty much everyone else thinks that's a terrible idea. And maybe it is. But it's still what I feel I *should* do. I don't think either of us get plus ones but if we do for some reason. And even less likely she brings a guy with her, I don't know what I'll do. There's no way I would ever even imagine bringing someone. Even if there was someone I would bring. I've had maybe one to two decent nights of sleep in the past month. Every nigh