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I don't even know what to title this

I refuse to go back there. My sister and her wife are about to have their child. Luca William. So naturally they put us in the waiting room. I thought setting my family would be the hardest part of tonight. I couldn't have been more wrong.

I'm having to relive the worst day off my life. Worse than my suicide attempts. Just barely worse than knowing I lost her. If it weren't for that day, the rest of it may not have happened.

When I found out that we were going to have to lose the child, even though it had been just a few days since we found it about it, I tried to act strong. Act stoic. Act like it wasn't that big of a deal to me.

It was easy since I'm fucking terrified of being a father. But I felt like I lost her that day. I refuse to go back to the room where I found out my future was no more certain than I am right now that the only person I want to read this actually will.

I think that kick started my desire to not be alive. Knowing I couldn't help the love of my life through that.

At this point, many people would talk about hope they have for this new baby, some would even reference the name "Luca" meaning light.

But I'm stuck in the past. Stuck knowing I can't do it. Stuck knowing I failed her.

But I have to make it to the wedding.

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