"you think you're tired now, try having kids"

I miss her. I miss us. Tonight is 6 months since we lost our child. I think that was the start of us falling apart. It's what really pushed me down.

She's going to be a great mom some day. I hope she knows that.

I'm still madly in love with her, but seven words will never be enough to make the burn subside.

It's one week until I see her again. And the panic attacks just get more and more frequent.

I hope she knows how much I need her in my life. I hope she even cares.

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A few weeks and i haven't written

This was originally supposed to be a daily or at least every few days thing. But lately I've been putting things off more and more. I hand wrote one down earlier this week but I'll probably not post it here. Besides, no one reads this anyways. But I'll update on things I said were going to happen last time. I didn't go out with Emma and Michael. So I still haven't. And I can't. She was too important to me. 35 days until the wedding. I think I want to be nice and offer to drive her up there. Mandi and pretty much everyone else thinks that's a terrible idea. And maybe it is. But it's still what I feel I *should* do. I don't think either of us get plus ones but if we do for some reason. And even less likely she brings a guy with her, I don't know what I'll do. There's no way I would ever even imagine bringing someone. Even if there was someone I would bring. I've had maybe one to two decent nights of sleep in the past month. Every nigh

I'm barely holding on

I can't live like I am. I'm having a race to see what kills me first. Me on purpose or me on accident. I'm hallucinating things because I can't sleep. I go literal days without talking to anyone. I haven't heard from Neil in over a month, Josh and I talk about once or twice a week, the last time before yesterday was Tuesday. And he's the last person I have talked to, outside of work and last Friday with Emma and the boys, in at least three weeks. I could die and no one would even know. I wonder if I should send her these letters I've written her. She's the reason I can't listen to the same songs that I used to. I bet I don't even run through her mind. I have to give up on her but it'll always hurt knowing she won't be alone. I wonder if the thought of me ever keeps her up at night. It's been a lonely two months. I know I'm living in the city because there's no more stars above me. I have to remember to forget her. I won&#

I'm going to die alone

Again this isn't a "I want to kill myself" thing. This is just an observation. As I sit here with Jed and Matt and Emily I feel so distant. I don't know how to get close to anyone anymore. I haven't been close to anyone in years. I was born alone and I'll die alone. But tonight it's more obvious than ever. I can't connect with people. I see everything like a movie. Maybe that's part of my issue. Even in bed, I feel so distant to my own body. I can't see a situation as it really is. Maybe that's some sort of disturbed cognitive functioning. I don't know. But nothing seems real because nothing is real. Even now, I see everything away from me. I don't feel like a person anymore. I'll never be able to connect with someone new because I can't even connect with myself. Maybe I need to learn how to write or make movies. Maybe then I'll learn how to do something correctly. And not fuck everything up. I know no one will

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