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I'm going to die alone

Again this isn't a "I want to kill myself" thing.  This is just an observation.  As I sit here with Jed and Matt and Emily I feel so distant.

I don't know how to get close to anyone anymore. I haven't been close to anyone in years. I was born alone and I'll die alone. But tonight it's more obvious than ever. I can't connect with people. I see everything like a movie. Maybe that's part of my issue. Even in bed, I feel so distant to my own body. I can't see a situation as it really is. Maybe that's some sort of disturbed cognitive functioning. I don't know. But nothing seems real because nothing is real. Even now, I see everything away from me. I don't feel like a person anymore.

I'll never be able to connect with someone new because I can't even connect with myself.  Maybe I need to learn how to write or make movies.  Maybe then I'll learn how to do something correctly. And not fuck everything up.

I know no one will ever read this. But I don't want your help. I just want it to be known, I don't feel alive anymore because I don't feel like me. Whatever me is.


I would rather crash my car on purpose than grow up to be a person with an accidental life.

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