Average at Best

Waiting for this year to end. Some people say things like "This whatever is/has been the worst of my life"  But I can factually say 2018 has been the worst year of my life so far.  It started out being compared to my brother-in-law. February, I lost my job. March, my sister told me they were pregnant. April, I found out we were expecting, then lost it. May, I lost prospect for my job, then I attempted on my life.  June, Traci started to separate from me. July, she decided to divorce me.  August, she kicked me out of the house and pushed me out of her life. Now, it's September, and every day is extending the longest it's been since we've talked.  And now, I write things stuff down even though no one reads this.  Neil doesn't respond to me anymore, Josh does but he's in an awful position. Michael, Emma, and I are going out tomorrow night since I don't work on Sunday. It'll be my first time going out since everything, and I'm terrified. I go...

Again this isn't a "I want to kill myself" thing.  This is just an observation.  As I sit here with Jed and Matt and Emily I feel so distant. I don't know how to get close to anyone anymore. I haven't been close to anyone in years. I was born alone and I'll die alone. But tonight it's more obvious than ever. I can't connect with people. I see everything like a movie. Maybe that's part of my issue. Even in bed, I feel so distant to my own body. I can't see a situation as it really is. Maybe that's some sort of disturbed cognitive functioning. I don't know. But nothing seems real because nothing is real. Even now, I see everything away from me. I don't feel like a person anymore. I'll never be able to connect with someone new because I can't even connect with myself.  Maybe I need to learn how to write or make movies.  Maybe then I'll learn how to do something correctly. And not fuck everything up. I know no one will...

Tonight I decided to watch Room. I hadn't seen it before and have heard a lot of good things about it. Brie Larson, the main actress, looks so much like Emma it's crazy. Though I still see her as a little sister type, she calms me, like knowing she's in the room next door makes ticking slow.  Especially when Michael is there too. She's the Chloe Grace Moretz to my Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  I may want to look after her, Matt, and Jed, and of course Emily and Michael as well. But Emma is so much more mature than me at times. Especially since she has experienced a lot of the same things I have. I don't feel as lonely here as I did with Her. I've been awake for almost 60 hours now. I'm still lonely. I still want to feel cared about.  And I get that when I'm around Emma and Matt and somewhat Jed. But now my main two friends from work got transferred to different departments so now I'm alone there too. I think I'm broken. I don't know what the fut...

When I think of her I have a panic attack. No. Too far. When I think of having to live without her I have a panic attack. I tried to play a song about her. Panic attack. Maybe I'll get past it one day. I'm lonely. Like intensely. But I don't want to meet anyone. And I don't mean meet anyone like start dating or whatever. Like I don't know how to make friends even. Most of my life is depressing. Losing her was terrible. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to kill myself. I know it sometimes sounds like that but I truly don't. Maybe I'll write another song about her, it'll only be the tenth in the past two weeks. Maybe I'll do a book.  Who knows. I'm trying to live my life without putting up walls but I know I do.  I can't just talk to people but I'm completely alone. I can't live without medication now. I literally can't fall asleep without the quetiapine. I don't know. Life is a mess. I don't k...

Today marks the first full day I've been here. I still haven't met one of the roommates, since he hasn't gotten back from Ohio visiting his family.  Over the last day, I officially met Emma, 21. I've gotten a lot closer to Jed, 21. And today I met Michael, 24, Emma's boyfriend. Emma has the room next to mine, and we have a ton in common. Like a scary amount in common. I won't go into that now but yeah. But for those wondering, no, There is zero chance of me feeling attraction to her. she's six types of off limits and I want to see her as a friend and little sister more than anything.  She and I were up until 4 am last night just talking about things. She recommended a place in Fountain Square for my eventual tattoo. It was the same place that Bryan recommended too. So that's decided. I've deleted my facebook and instagram. Things that remind me of her, I just don't want. I hope the best for her but I want nothing to do with it.  I haven't tak...