Average at Best

I can't live like I am. I'm having a race to see what kills me first. Me on purpose or me on accident.  I'm hallucinating things because I can't sleep. I go literal days without talking to anyone. I haven't heard from Neil in over a month, Josh and I talk about once or twice a week, the last time before yesterday was Tuesday. And he's the last person I have talked to, outside of work and last Friday with Emma and the boys, in at least three weeks. I could die and no one would even know. I wonder if I should send her these letters I've written her. She's the reason I can't listen to the same songs that I used to. I bet I don't even run through her mind. I have to give up on her but it'll always hurt knowing she won't be alone.  I wonder if the thought of me ever keeps her up at night. It's been a lonely two months. I know I'm living in the city because there's no more stars above me. I have to remember to forget her. I won...

Time for my biweekly blog, because apparently my need to get thoughts out in this form happens once every other week. I hope she's happy. Jed told me she's on tinder now. I hope that means she's trying to move on. I can't. But that's okay. I don't need to. As for the whole asking her if she wants to ride up to the wedding, I don't know if I can do that. I have panic attacks just thinking about her. Tomorrow, after work, I'll probably checking myself into Esk. I know it's probably a bad idea. But if I don't, I don't think I'll make it through the week. She's going to start going on dates soon, if she hasn't already. She's going to start being with people. People that aren't me. She's going to eventually forget all about me. Maybe she already has. I try to stay awake as long as I can because any time I sleep I dream of her. And it's never a good dream. Last Friday I went out for the first time. With Jed, Matt, an...

This was originally supposed to be a daily or at least every few days thing. But lately I've been putting things off more and more. I hand wrote one down earlier this week but I'll probably not post it here. Besides, no one reads this anyways. But I'll update on things I said were going to happen last time. I didn't go out with Emma and Michael. So I still haven't. And I can't. She was too important to me. 35 days until the wedding. I think I want to be nice and offer to drive her up there. Mandi and pretty much everyone else thinks that's a terrible idea. And maybe it is. But it's still what I feel I *should* do. I don't think either of us get plus ones but if we do for some reason. And even less likely she brings a guy with her, I don't know what I'll do. There's no way I would ever even imagine bringing someone. Even if there was someone I would bring. I've had maybe one to two decent nights of sleep in the past month. Every nigh...

Waiting for this year to end. Some people say things like "This whatever is/has been the worst of my life"  But I can factually say 2018 has been the worst year of my life so far.  It started out being compared to my brother-in-law. February, I lost my job. March, my sister told me they were pregnant. April, I found out we were expecting, then lost it. May, I lost prospect for my job, then I attempted on my life.  June, Traci started to separate from me. July, she decided to divorce me.  August, she kicked me out of the house and pushed me out of her life. Now, it's September, and every day is extending the longest it's been since we've talked.  And now, I write things stuff down even though no one reads this.  Neil doesn't respond to me anymore, Josh does but he's in an awful position. Michael, Emma, and I are going out tomorrow night since I don't work on Sunday. It'll be my first time going out since everything, and I'm terrified. I go...

Again this isn't a "I want to kill myself" thing.  This is just an observation.  As I sit here with Jed and Matt and Emily I feel so distant. I don't know how to get close to anyone anymore. I haven't been close to anyone in years. I was born alone and I'll die alone. But tonight it's more obvious than ever. I can't connect with people. I see everything like a movie. Maybe that's part of my issue. Even in bed, I feel so distant to my own body. I can't see a situation as it really is. Maybe that's some sort of disturbed cognitive functioning. I don't know. But nothing seems real because nothing is real. Even now, I see everything away from me. I don't feel like a person anymore. I'll never be able to connect with someone new because I can't even connect with myself.  Maybe I need to learn how to write or make movies.  Maybe then I'll learn how to do something correctly. And not fuck everything up. I know no one will...

Tonight I decided to watch Room. I hadn't seen it before and have heard a lot of good things about it. Brie Larson, the main actress, looks so much like Emma it's crazy. Though I still see her as a little sister type, she calms me, like knowing she's in the room next door makes ticking slow.  Especially when Michael is there too. She's the Chloe Grace Moretz to my Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  I may want to look after her, Matt, and Jed, and of course Emily and Michael as well. But Emma is so much more mature than me at times. Especially since she has experienced a lot of the same things I have. I don't feel as lonely here as I did with Her. I've been awake for almost 60 hours now. I'm still lonely. I still want to feel cared about.  And I get that when I'm around Emma and Matt and somewhat Jed. But now my main two friends from work got transferred to different departments so now I'm alone there too. I think I'm broken. I don't know what the fut...

When I think of her I have a panic attack. No. Too far. When I think of having to live without her I have a panic attack. I tried to play a song about her. Panic attack. Maybe I'll get past it one day. I'm lonely. Like intensely. But I don't want to meet anyone. And I don't mean meet anyone like start dating or whatever. Like I don't know how to make friends even. Most of my life is depressing. Losing her was terrible. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to kill myself. I know it sometimes sounds like that but I truly don't. Maybe I'll write another song about her, it'll only be the tenth in the past two weeks. Maybe I'll do a book.  Who knows. I'm trying to live my life without putting up walls but I know I do.  I can't just talk to people but I'm completely alone. I can't live without medication now. I literally can't fall asleep without the quetiapine. I don't know. Life is a mess. I don't k...