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Late night ramblings in the middle of the work week

When I think of her I have a panic attack. No. Too far. When I think of having to live without her I have a panic attack. I tried to play a song about her. Panic attack. Maybe I'll get past it one day. I'm lonely. Like intensely. But I don't want to meet anyone. And I don't mean meet anyone like start dating or whatever. Like I don't know how to make friends even. Most of my life is depressing. Losing her was terrible.
I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to kill myself. I know it sometimes sounds like that but I truly don't.

Maybe I'll write another song about her, it'll only be the tenth in the past two weeks.
Maybe I'll do a book. 

Who knows.

I'm trying to live my life without putting up walls but I know I do.  I can't just talk to people but I'm completely alone. I can't live without medication now. I literally can't fall asleep without the quetiapine.

I don't know. Life is a mess. I don't know.

I miss having fun. I miss enjoying things. I don't remember the last time I did though.

I'm not okay.  And I won't say I am.

I can't move on.  How can I?  I'm messed up. I am. On one hand I want to forget her, on the other, I know she's the only person in the entire universe that will make me happy.  If I can even be happy again.  I don't know if I should be selfish or selfless. I want her to be happy but I know it'll kill me.  I hate this and there's nothing I can do about it.

All I can do is think about dancing and kissing and knowing she'll be something she'll be good.

I've been told to just focus on me. Just be me. Even by her. But how am I supposed to do that.

I mean really.
Who the fuck is "me"

I've been with the same person for over ten years. 40% of my God Damned life. Over 100% of my adult life. I don't know what the fuck I can do.

What do I even like? I've literally not done anything for me in basically ever. First, my mom, then her. I've always been looking out for others.

I always have had something. Now I don't. I have nothing.

I know I'm going to keep trying to fill the hole in my chest. I know right now I'm going to try to fill it with Emma and Michael or Matt and Emily or Jed or Jaina. But none of it feels right.

The ticks have gotten worse. Things need to be exact or it hurts. I need the silence. But I just can't get it.

I hope she's happy, because I'm sure not.

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