Skip to main content

I woke up in September

Waiting for this year to end.

Some people say things like "This whatever is/has been the worst of my life"  But I can factually say 2018 has been the worst year of my life so far.  It started out being compared to my brother-in-law. February, I lost my job. March, my sister told me they were pregnant. April, I found out we were expecting, then lost it. May, I lost prospect for my job, then I attempted on my life.  June, Traci started to separate from me. July, she decided to divorce me.  August, she kicked me out of the house and pushed me out of her life.

Now, it's September, and every day is extending the longest it's been since we've talked.  And now, I write things stuff down even though no one reads this.  Neil doesn't respond to me anymore, Josh does but he's in an awful position. Michael, Emma, and I are going out tomorrow night since I don't work on Sunday. It'll be my first time going out since everything, and I'm terrified.

I got my tattoo this week.  And now, I have to live for myself.  And for now, I just have to wait.

I can be patient.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Late night ramblings in the middle of the work week

When I think of her I have a panic attack. No. Too far. When I think of having to live without her I have a panic attack. I tried to play a song about her. Panic attack. Maybe I'll get past it one day. I'm lonely. Like intensely. But I don't want to meet anyone. And I don't mean meet anyone like start dating or whatever. Like I don't know how to make friends even. Most of my life is depressing. Losing her was terrible. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to kill myself. I know it sometimes sounds like that but I truly don't. Maybe I'll write another song about her, it'll only be the tenth in the past two weeks. Maybe I'll do a book.  Who knows. I'm trying to live my life without putting up walls but I know I do.  I can't just talk to people but I'm completely alone. I can't live without medication now. I literally can't fall asleep without the quetiapine. I don't know. Life is a mess. I don't k...
Post a Comment
Read more

"you think you're tired now, try having kids"

I miss her. I miss us. Tonight is 6 months since we lost our child. I think that was the start of us falling apart. It's what really pushed me down. She's going to be a great mom some day. I hope she knows that. I'm still madly in love with her, but seven words will never be enough to make the burn subside. It's one week until I see her again. And the panic attacks just get more and more frequent. I hope she knows how much I need her in my life. I hope she even cares.
Post a Comment
Read more

Left on Red

My comfort zone is approximately 3 feet around me in any direction. I've never been much of a thrill seeker. People tell me that if I want to grow as a person, I've got to stretch that and try something new. So I started doing that with little safe things like ordering food or drink I wasn't sure I'd like. Or turning left at a red light that I know wasn't going to change for a long time in the middle of the night. And I know, i know these are mostly safe But I want to grow So I have to keep pushing Like telling her how I actually feel But the only thing worse than knowing your words are left unread Is knowing you were left on "Read"
Post a Comment
Read more