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A shadow of what once was

Time for my biweekly blog, because apparently my need to get thoughts out in this form happens once every other week.

I hope she's happy. Jed told me she's on tinder now. I hope that means she's trying to move on. I can't. But that's okay. I don't need to.

As for the whole asking her if she wants to ride up to the wedding, I don't know if I can do that. I have panic attacks just thinking about her. Tomorrow, after work, I'll probably checking myself into Esk. I know it's probably a bad idea. But if I don't, I don't think I'll make it through the week.

She's going to start going on dates soon, if she hasn't already. She's going to start being with people. People that aren't me. She's going to eventually forget all about me. Maybe she already has. I try to stay awake as long as I can because any time I sleep I dream of her. And it's never a good dream.

Last Friday I went out for the first time. With Jed, Matt, and Emma. We went to Broad Ripple, to this seedy little hole in the wall. On one hand, I was glad that she would definitely not be there.

I hate her so much. No. Too much. I hate that I can't be me without her. I don't know what me is still. I don't want to know who I am without her. But I know she'll probably be better off without me in her life.

I get to live knowing she'll probably be alright. I guess I'm just running for answers not realizing I'm standing on a fucking treadmill.

Who knows maybe I'll just write her another fucking album.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hope she's happy. Because I'm sure not. I still love her. I still need her. I hate that I need her as much as I do.

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