Skip to main content

A shadow of what once was

Time for my biweekly blog, because apparently my need to get thoughts out in this form happens once every other week.

I hope she's happy. Jed told me she's on tinder now. I hope that means she's trying to move on. I can't. But that's okay. I don't need to.

As for the whole asking her if she wants to ride up to the wedding, I don't know if I can do that. I have panic attacks just thinking about her. Tomorrow, after work, I'll probably checking myself into Esk. I know it's probably a bad idea. But if I don't, I don't think I'll make it through the week.

She's going to start going on dates soon, if she hasn't already. She's going to start being with people. People that aren't me. She's going to eventually forget all about me. Maybe she already has. I try to stay awake as long as I can because any time I sleep I dream of her. And it's never a good dream.

Last Friday I went out for the first time. With Jed, Matt, and Emma. We went to Broad Ripple, to this seedy little hole in the wall. On one hand, I was glad that she would definitely not be there.

I hate her so much. No. Too much. I hate that I can't be me without her. I don't know what me is still. I don't want to know who I am without her. But I know she'll probably be better off without me in her life.

I get to live knowing she'll probably be alright. I guess I'm just running for answers not realizing I'm standing on a fucking treadmill.

Who knows maybe I'll just write her another fucking album.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hope she's happy. Because I'm sure not. I still love her. I still need her. I hate that I need her as much as I do.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Left on Red

My comfort zone is approximately 3 feet around me in any direction. I've never been much of a thrill seeker. People tell me that if I want to grow as a person, I've got to stretch that and try something new. So I started doing that with little safe things like ordering food or drink I wasn't sure I'd like. Or turning left at a red light that I know wasn't going to change for a long time in the middle of the night. And I know, i know these are mostly safe But I want to grow So I have to keep pushing Like telling her how I actually feel But the only thing worse than knowing your words are left unread Is knowing you were left on "Read"
Post a Comment
Read more

I don't even know what to title this

I refuse to go back there. My sister and her wife are about to have their child. Luca William. So naturally they put us in the waiting room. I thought setting my family would be the hardest part of tonight. I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm having to relive the worst day off my life. Worse than my suicide attempts. Just barely worse than knowing I lost her. If it weren't for that day, the rest of it may not have happened. When I found out that we were going to have to lose the child, even though it had been just a few days since we found it about it, I tried to act strong. Act stoic. Act like it wasn't that big of a deal to me. It was easy since I'm fucking terrified of being a father. But I felt like I lost her that day. I refuse to go back to the room where I found out my future was no more certain than I am right now that the only person I want to read this actually will. I think that kick started my desire to not be alive. Knowing I couldn't help the ...
Post a Comment
Read more

It's been a month

It's been over a month since my last post. Since then I've realized I'm terrified of kids. Not terrified in a way like I don't like them being around me. Terrified as in when I think about being responsible for them, I freak out. So yeah, my feelings about Erin are dead. I've also actually had work since I last wrote, yeah it's only warehouse work, and yeah its only 3 days a week, 36 hours a week. But it's the first work I've had since February. So it's kind of important. I'm alone by myself for most of the time and I usually can only think about one thing at a time. That has nothing to do with the job. I think I'm losing myself more and more. Traci was gone for quite a while over the last month. She didn't get to see all of my compulsions growing. And now all I can think about is how she'll be better off without me, and how she probably has already moved on to someone new. She clearly doesn't want to be around me anymore. ...
Post a Comment
Read more