Skip to main content

I'm going to die alone

Again this isn't a "I want to kill myself" thing.  This is just an observation.  As I sit here with Jed and Matt and Emily I feel so distant.

I don't know how to get close to anyone anymore. I haven't been close to anyone in years. I was born alone and I'll die alone. But tonight it's more obvious than ever. I can't connect with people. I see everything like a movie. Maybe that's part of my issue. Even in bed, I feel so distant to my own body. I can't see a situation as it really is. Maybe that's some sort of disturbed cognitive functioning. I don't know. But nothing seems real because nothing is real. Even now, I see everything away from me. I don't feel like a person anymore.

I'll never be able to connect with someone new because I can't even connect with myself.  Maybe I need to learn how to write or make movies.  Maybe then I'll learn how to do something correctly. And not fuck everything up.

I know no one will ever read this. But I don't want your help. I just want it to be known, I don't feel alive anymore because I don't feel like me. Whatever me is.


I would rather crash my car on purpose than grow up to be a person with an accidental life.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"you think you're tired now, try having kids"

I miss her. I miss us. Tonight is 6 months since we lost our child. I think that was the start of us falling apart. It's what really pushed me down. She's going to be a great mom some day. I hope she knows that. I'm still madly in love with her, but seven words will never be enough to make the burn subside. It's one week until I see her again. And the panic attacks just get more and more frequent. I hope she knows how much I need her in my life. I hope she even cares.
Post a Comment
Read more

I don't even know what to title this

I refuse to go back there. My sister and her wife are about to have their child. Luca William. So naturally they put us in the waiting room. I thought setting my family would be the hardest part of tonight. I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm having to relive the worst day off my life. Worse than my suicide attempts. Just barely worse than knowing I lost her. If it weren't for that day, the rest of it may not have happened. When I found out that we were going to have to lose the child, even though it had been just a few days since we found it about it, I tried to act strong. Act stoic. Act like it wasn't that big of a deal to me. It was easy since I'm fucking terrified of being a father. But I felt like I lost her that day. I refuse to go back to the room where I found out my future was no more certain than I am right now that the only person I want to read this actually will. I think that kick started my desire to not be alive. Knowing I couldn't help the ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Late night ramblings in the middle of the work week

When I think of her I have a panic attack. No. Too far. When I think of having to live without her I have a panic attack. I tried to play a song about her. Panic attack. Maybe I'll get past it one day. I'm lonely. Like intensely. But I don't want to meet anyone. And I don't mean meet anyone like start dating or whatever. Like I don't know how to make friends even. Most of my life is depressing. Losing her was terrible. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to kill myself. I know it sometimes sounds like that but I truly don't. Maybe I'll write another song about her, it'll only be the tenth in the past two weeks. Maybe I'll do a book.  Who knows. I'm trying to live my life without putting up walls but I know I do.  I can't just talk to people but I'm completely alone. I can't live without medication now. I literally can't fall asleep without the quetiapine. I don't know. Life is a mess. I don't k...
Post a Comment
Read more