Skip to main content

I'm going to die alone

Again this isn't a "I want to kill myself" thing.  This is just an observation.  As I sit here with Jed and Matt and Emily I feel so distant.

I don't know how to get close to anyone anymore. I haven't been close to anyone in years. I was born alone and I'll die alone. But tonight it's more obvious than ever. I can't connect with people. I see everything like a movie. Maybe that's part of my issue. Even in bed, I feel so distant to my own body. I can't see a situation as it really is. Maybe that's some sort of disturbed cognitive functioning. I don't know. But nothing seems real because nothing is real. Even now, I see everything away from me. I don't feel like a person anymore.

I'll never be able to connect with someone new because I can't even connect with myself.  Maybe I need to learn how to write or make movies.  Maybe then I'll learn how to do something correctly. And not fuck everything up.

I know no one will ever read this. But I don't want your help. I just want it to be known, I don't feel alive anymore because I don't feel like me. Whatever me is.


I would rather crash my car on purpose than grow up to be a person with an accidental life.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Late night ramblings in the middle of the work week

When I think of her I have a panic attack. No. Too far. When I think of having to live without her I have a panic attack. I tried to play a song about her. Panic attack. Maybe I'll get past it one day. I'm lonely. Like intensely. But I don't want to meet anyone. And I don't mean meet anyone like start dating or whatever. Like I don't know how to make friends even. Most of my life is depressing. Losing her was terrible. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to kill myself. I know it sometimes sounds like that but I truly don't. Maybe I'll write another song about her, it'll only be the tenth in the past two weeks. Maybe I'll do a book.  Who knows. I'm trying to live my life without putting up walls but I know I do.  I can't just talk to people but I'm completely alone. I can't live without medication now. I literally can't fall asleep without the quetiapine. I don't know. Life is a mess. I don't k...
Post a Comment
Read more

Left on Red

My comfort zone is approximately 3 feet around me in any direction. I've never been much of a thrill seeker. People tell me that if I want to grow as a person, I've got to stretch that and try something new. So I started doing that with little safe things like ordering food or drink I wasn't sure I'd like. Or turning left at a red light that I know wasn't going to change for a long time in the middle of the night. And I know, i know these are mostly safe But I want to grow So I have to keep pushing Like telling her how I actually feel But the only thing worse than knowing your words are left unread Is knowing you were left on "Read"
Post a Comment
Read more

It's been a month

It's been over a month since my last post. Since then I've realized I'm terrified of kids. Not terrified in a way like I don't like them being around me. Terrified as in when I think about being responsible for them, I freak out. So yeah, my feelings about Erin are dead. I've also actually had work since I last wrote, yeah it's only warehouse work, and yeah its only 3 days a week, 36 hours a week. But it's the first work I've had since February. So it's kind of important. I'm alone by myself for most of the time and I usually can only think about one thing at a time. That has nothing to do with the job. I think I'm losing myself more and more. Traci was gone for quite a while over the last month. She didn't get to see all of my compulsions growing. And now all I can think about is how she'll be better off without me, and how she probably has already moved on to someone new. She clearly doesn't want to be around me anymore. ...
Post a Comment
Read more