I need to clear some things up

I know in some of my posts I've written about how much hate I currently feel toward her and because of her. The truth is, I'm not mad at her. I'm still in love with her. I still want to find a way to have her in my life. And I know she'll probably never read this, but I'm sorry for everything I've said. All the abuse I put you through. You never deserved any of it. I'll always Love you and I'll always need you.

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Left on Red

My comfort zone is approximately 3 feet around me in any direction. I've never been much of a thrill seeker. People tell me that if I want to grow as a person, I've got to stretch that and try something new. So I started doing that with little safe things like ordering food or drink I wasn't sure I'd like. Or turning left at a red light that I know wasn't going to change for a long time in the middle of the night. And I know, i know these are mostly safe But I want to grow So I have to keep pushing Like telling her how I actually feel But the only thing worse than knowing your words are left unread Is knowing you were left on "Read"

It's been a month

It's been over a month since my last post. Since then I've realized I'm terrified of kids. Not terrified in a way like I don't like them being around me. Terrified as in when I think about being responsible for them, I freak out. So yeah, my feelings about Erin are dead. I've also actually had work since I last wrote, yeah it's only warehouse work, and yeah its only 3 days a week, 36 hours a week. But it's the first work I've had since February. So it's kind of important. I'm alone by myself for most of the time and I usually can only think about one thing at a time. That has nothing to do with the job. I think I'm losing myself more and more. Traci was gone for quite a while over the last month. She didn't get to see all of my compulsions growing. And now all I can think about is how she'll be better off without me, and how she probably has already moved on to someone new. She clearly doesn't want to be around me anymore. ...

Late night ramblings in the middle of the work week

When I think of her I have a panic attack. No. Too far. When I think of having to live without her I have a panic attack. I tried to play a song about her. Panic attack. Maybe I'll get past it one day. I'm lonely. Like intensely. But I don't want to meet anyone. And I don't mean meet anyone like start dating or whatever. Like I don't know how to make friends even. Most of my life is depressing. Losing her was terrible. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to kill myself. I know it sometimes sounds like that but I truly don't. Maybe I'll write another song about her, it'll only be the tenth in the past two weeks. Maybe I'll do a book. Who knows. I'm trying to live my life without putting up walls but I know I do. I can't just talk to people but I'm completely alone. I can't live without medication now. I literally can't fall asleep without the quetiapine. I don't know. Life is a mess. I don't k...

Average at Best

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