I need to clear some things up

I know in some of my posts I've written about how much hate I currently feel toward her and because of her. The truth is, I'm not mad at her. I'm still in love with her. I still want to find a way to have her in my life. And I know she'll probably never read this, but I'm sorry for everything I've said. All the abuse I put you through. You never deserved any of it. I'll always Love you and I'll always need you.

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Late night ramblings in the middle of the work week

When I think of her I have a panic attack. No. Too far. When I think of having to live without her I have a panic attack. I tried to play a song about her. Panic attack. Maybe I'll get past it one day. I'm lonely. Like intensely. But I don't want to meet anyone. And I don't mean meet anyone like start dating or whatever. Like I don't know how to make friends even. Most of my life is depressing. Losing her was terrible. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't want to kill myself. I know it sometimes sounds like that but I truly don't. Maybe I'll write another song about her, it'll only be the tenth in the past two weeks. Maybe I'll do a book. Who knows. I'm trying to live my life without putting up walls but I know I do. I can't just talk to people but I'm completely alone. I can't live without medication now. I literally can't fall asleep without the quetiapine. I don't know. Life is a mess. I don't k...

"you think you're tired now, try having kids"

I miss her. I miss us. Tonight is 6 months since we lost our child. I think that was the start of us falling apart. It's what really pushed me down. She's going to be a great mom some day. I hope she knows that. I'm still madly in love with her, but seven words will never be enough to make the burn subside. It's one week until I see her again. And the panic attacks just get more and more frequent. I hope she knows how much I need her in my life. I hope she even cares.

a new house, some new friends, a new life

Today marks the first full day I've been here. I still haven't met one of the roommates, since he hasn't gotten back from Ohio visiting his family. Over the last day, I officially met Emma, 21. I've gotten a lot closer to Jed, 21. And today I met Michael, 24, Emma's boyfriend. Emma has the room next to mine, and we have a ton in common. Like a scary amount in common. I won't go into that now but yeah. But for those wondering, no, There is zero chance of me feeling attraction to her. she's six types of off limits and I want to see her as a friend and little sister more than anything. She and I were up until 4 am last night just talking about things. She recommended a place in Fountain Square for my eventual tattoo. It was the same place that Bryan recommended too. So that's decided. I've deleted my facebook and instagram. Things that remind me of her, I just don't want. I hope the best for her but I want nothing to do with it. I haven't tak...

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