It's been over a month since my last post. Since then I've realized I'm terrified of kids.
Not terrified in a way like I don't like them being around me. Terrified as in when I think about being responsible for them, I freak out. So yeah, my feelings about Erin are dead.
I've also actually had work since I last wrote, yeah it's only warehouse work, and yeah its only 3 days a week, 36 hours a week. But it's the first work I've had since February. So it's kind of important. I'm alone by myself for most of the time and I usually can only think about one thing at a time. That has nothing to do with the job. I think I'm losing myself more and more.
Traci was gone for quite a while over the last month. She didn't get to see all of my compulsions growing. And now all I can think about is how she'll be better off without me, and how she probably has already moved on to someone new. She clearly doesn't want to be around me anymore.
I've been recently diagnosed with 7 different mental disorders. OCD, GAD, Cyclothymia, Bipolar II Disorder, Blood Injection Injury Type Phobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD. The first 6 all make a ton of sense especially since about October of last year.
PTSD doesn't.
But I can't remember much before I was 10 and barely anything before I was 8. Apparently, that isn't normal. And when I asked people if they remembered their kindergarten and first grade teacher. Since I can't.
My doctor thinks that my brain shut something down and won't let me remember it.
As to what that is, I obviously don't know. Is it the source of why I'm as fucked up as I am? who fucking knows?
But now, I'm on some new medicine, Quetiapine. It makes me dizzy, tired, and when I'm coming off of it, my body gets on fire and I feel more paranoid now more than ever. But maybe that's not the medicine.
I'll talk to Mandi about this Wednesday. I have to find a new place to live. Traci doesn't want me around anymore.
Whatever, I'm Fine.
I'll just write another shitty song about the whole thing or whatever.
I just don't feel at home anywhere anymore.
Not terrified in a way like I don't like them being around me. Terrified as in when I think about being responsible for them, I freak out. So yeah, my feelings about Erin are dead.
I've also actually had work since I last wrote, yeah it's only warehouse work, and yeah its only 3 days a week, 36 hours a week. But it's the first work I've had since February. So it's kind of important. I'm alone by myself for most of the time and I usually can only think about one thing at a time. That has nothing to do with the job. I think I'm losing myself more and more.
Traci was gone for quite a while over the last month. She didn't get to see all of my compulsions growing. And now all I can think about is how she'll be better off without me, and how she probably has already moved on to someone new. She clearly doesn't want to be around me anymore.
I've been recently diagnosed with 7 different mental disorders. OCD, GAD, Cyclothymia, Bipolar II Disorder, Blood Injection Injury Type Phobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, and PTSD. The first 6 all make a ton of sense especially since about October of last year.
PTSD doesn't.
But I can't remember much before I was 10 and barely anything before I was 8. Apparently, that isn't normal. And when I asked people if they remembered their kindergarten and first grade teacher. Since I can't.
My doctor thinks that my brain shut something down and won't let me remember it.
As to what that is, I obviously don't know. Is it the source of why I'm as fucked up as I am? who fucking knows?
But now, I'm on some new medicine, Quetiapine. It makes me dizzy, tired, and when I'm coming off of it, my body gets on fire and I feel more paranoid now more than ever. But maybe that's not the medicine.
I'll talk to Mandi about this Wednesday. I have to find a new place to live. Traci doesn't want me around anymore.
Whatever, I'm Fine.
I'll just write another shitty song about the whole thing or whatever.
I just don't feel at home anywhere anymore.
Comments
Post a Comment