Once again it's 1 am the night before I have to go into work at 630. When is the last time I slept? Tuesday. Why can't I sleep? Because I can't keep dreaming of her. I've found a way to make them better, at least for the majority of the dream. But it's not a good method. But I guess it works. Who'd have guessed a 2.7 oz of an alloy of gold and iron would be able to cause me to be able to stop the panic. Even if it's only while I'm asleep/
I have two weeks until I see her. I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified. My thoughts keep eating me alive. I need to stop the panic.
On a positive side, I've finally heard back from Neil and Reid too. Which is nice. I won't have to be alone at the wedding.
Tonight, I am suicidal. That's not a big surprise. I get this way every once in a while. I have written my death letter more times than I can count. I keep deleting it instead of sending it or leaving it for someone because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I hear her voice in my head every time I sit down to type it out. "Suicide is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem" No. no it fucking isn't. It's aiming for a good night sleep after months of insomnia. It's careful planning. When I say I'm suicidal. it's not a cry for help, and even if it was it's not a sign of weakness. If I'm going to kill myself, I won't make a big fuss about it. I'll do it in silence. I'm dying because of silence, why not do it in silence.
I know I've said it before but I don't know where home is. When will it be more than just a place where I put all my stuff. This new house is where I do all my living, so i guess the old house is where I'm dead.
It's too easy to go without saying goodbye. There's a place where someone loves you both before and after they learn what you are. That place is the world. But it's not her, for me. That someone.
I keep hearing "people will miss you", understand, I have wanted to kill myself for awhile now. That literally doesn't mean anything. I've heard it too much.
In two weeks, I'm going to have to see her. Probably for the last time. I'm going to hate seeing her, but I'm going to hate leaving her more. It won't be out of despair or hope. I'm past that. I know there's no hope for me to get my best friend back in my life. The last remaining fixture of my childhood is gone. When I leave her it will be with anger. It will be with fear. "Goodbye" won't be a strong enough word, but "Fuck off forever" isn't exactly what I mean.
If I joke about killing myself, that means I don't want to do it. Start worrying when I only talk about brunch and dog breeds. Start worrying whenever you want to I'm not your boss.
I guess home is here, where I can have my panic attacks in peace. Where I can hear the creaking of Matt's bed as he turns at night. Where I can stay and be alone. Where I can hopefully do this all again.
You may want to know why if I'm suicidal, and I know I'm going to eventually do it, why don't I just get it out of the way. It's because of this wedding. I need to be there for Josh. And maybe I just want something to live for.
June 4, 2016 was that. For almost two years. It gave me something to live for. I couldn't say I do fast enough. I had been practicing my yes for 3021 days. From the first moment I kissed her, I knew I was hers. I could go on for hours about her, but why? She's made it clear we're done.
I miss her imperfections so much. How she needed way more than her share of the bed, how she couldn't cook well, how she felt the need to vent about work almost every day coming home, how she couldn't be in the car with or without me without listening to a very select few artists, how she always wanted to get healthier and wanted to go to the gym but never felt like it after work, how her stomach would make her sick almost every night. We all need editing. We all have typos. I would still get hers tattooed on my body so I could be with her forever.
I can't have an even decent sleep without her engraving of "Love You Always" against my skin. I know I'm not good for her. I know that maybe she isn't good for me. But I'll always try to fit her in my puzzle. There's a huge fucking hole in the middle of my puzzle and some people will say that I just have to work towards filling it. But I can't. My puzzle has been devastated and I can't fix it. Luckily she wanted me to build hers and ignore mine.
So, yes I am suicidal. But no, I won't be killing myself. Not yet anyways. Not tonight. Soon? Maybe.
It's now 230 an I work in 4 hours. I just hope she's happy.
I have two weeks until I see her. I'm scared, I'm fucking terrified. My thoughts keep eating me alive. I need to stop the panic.
On a positive side, I've finally heard back from Neil and Reid too. Which is nice. I won't have to be alone at the wedding.
Tonight, I am suicidal. That's not a big surprise. I get this way every once in a while. I have written my death letter more times than I can count. I keep deleting it instead of sending it or leaving it for someone because I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
I hear her voice in my head every time I sit down to type it out. "Suicide is just a permanent solution to a temporary problem" No. no it fucking isn't. It's aiming for a good night sleep after months of insomnia. It's careful planning. When I say I'm suicidal. it's not a cry for help, and even if it was it's not a sign of weakness. If I'm going to kill myself, I won't make a big fuss about it. I'll do it in silence. I'm dying because of silence, why not do it in silence.
I know I've said it before but I don't know where home is. When will it be more than just a place where I put all my stuff. This new house is where I do all my living, so i guess the old house is where I'm dead.
It's too easy to go without saying goodbye. There's a place where someone loves you both before and after they learn what you are. That place is the world. But it's not her, for me. That someone.
I keep hearing "people will miss you", understand, I have wanted to kill myself for awhile now. That literally doesn't mean anything. I've heard it too much.
In two weeks, I'm going to have to see her. Probably for the last time. I'm going to hate seeing her, but I'm going to hate leaving her more. It won't be out of despair or hope. I'm past that. I know there's no hope for me to get my best friend back in my life. The last remaining fixture of my childhood is gone. When I leave her it will be with anger. It will be with fear. "Goodbye" won't be a strong enough word, but "Fuck off forever" isn't exactly what I mean.
If I joke about killing myself, that means I don't want to do it. Start worrying when I only talk about brunch and dog breeds. Start worrying whenever you want to I'm not your boss.
I guess home is here, where I can have my panic attacks in peace. Where I can hear the creaking of Matt's bed as he turns at night. Where I can stay and be alone. Where I can hopefully do this all again.
You may want to know why if I'm suicidal, and I know I'm going to eventually do it, why don't I just get it out of the way. It's because of this wedding. I need to be there for Josh. And maybe I just want something to live for.
June 4, 2016 was that. For almost two years. It gave me something to live for. I couldn't say I do fast enough. I had been practicing my yes for 3021 days. From the first moment I kissed her, I knew I was hers. I could go on for hours about her, but why? She's made it clear we're done.
I miss her imperfections so much. How she needed way more than her share of the bed, how she couldn't cook well, how she felt the need to vent about work almost every day coming home, how she couldn't be in the car with or without me without listening to a very select few artists, how she always wanted to get healthier and wanted to go to the gym but never felt like it after work, how her stomach would make her sick almost every night. We all need editing. We all have typos. I would still get hers tattooed on my body so I could be with her forever.
I can't have an even decent sleep without her engraving of "Love You Always" against my skin. I know I'm not good for her. I know that maybe she isn't good for me. But I'll always try to fit her in my puzzle. There's a huge fucking hole in the middle of my puzzle and some people will say that I just have to work towards filling it. But I can't. My puzzle has been devastated and I can't fix it. Luckily she wanted me to build hers and ignore mine.
So, yes I am suicidal. But no, I won't be killing myself. Not yet anyways. Not tonight. Soon? Maybe.
It's now 230 an I work in 4 hours. I just hope she's happy.
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